Divorce is seldom just a legal process, especially when children are involved. So when your relationship breaks down you might decide to gather accurate, contemporaneous records of your spouse’s behaviour particularly toward children, finances, or in your relationship generally. But there are also legal, ethical, and practical pitfalls.

This article looks at when you should keep a record or diary, what is useful to document (and what isn’t), how that information might be used, whether courts rely on it (especially if disputed), and what effect it can have on contact with children or on settlements.

Why keep a record?

  • Evidence in child arrangements disputes:The court’s paramount consideration is the welfare of the child, taking into account past behaviour, ability to co-operate, and whether one parent is more likely to promote the welfare of the child. Having documented behaviour can support claims about parental capacity, safeguarding, child’s emotional wellbeing, etc.
  • Financial transparency & hidden assets:If there is concern that your spouse is hiding income or assets, or spending in ways that disadvantage you, documented evidence (bank statements, receipts, etc) will help in the financial disclosure obligations under divorce.
  • Behavioural issues or abuse:Where there are allegations of emotional, verbal, physical abuse, neglect, or misuse of money, having records helps you show patterns or severity.
  • Credibility and clarity:It is hard to remember every detail, timing, and impact. A diary or other type of log helps you present a more coherent narrative in court, mediation, or discussions. It also helps you emotionally process what’s happening.

When is it wise to start documenting your spouse’s behaviour?

  • As soon as you think divorce is likely (or when the marriage has irretrievably broken down in your view). The more contemporaneous the record, the better;  memories fade, details get muddled, and patterns are less clear if you try to reconstruct later.
  • When events suggest behaviour that may affect outcomes — e.g.:
    • Changes in how your spouse interacts with the children: neglect, extremes of discipline, emotional outbursts.
    • Financial anomalies (large cash withdrawals, secret accounts, unshared information).
    • Escalation of conflict, verbal or physical abuse, controlling or coercive behaviour.
    • Behaviour during separation phase, e.g. alienating children, refusal to co-operate, interference with contact.
  • Before formal legal steps such as applying for a divorce, applying for child arrangements, or financial disclosure.

What behaviours are worth documenting (and what aren’t)?

What is worth documenting?

  • Parenting and welfare related behaviour: repeated missed school collections, failure to attend medical appointments, neglect, refusal or delay in accessing medical care, emotional outbursts with children, volatile mood swings affecting children.
  • Communication style: abusive language, threats, insults, aggressive behaviour; instances of controlling behaviour (e.g. restricting your time with children or ability to make decisions).
  • Financial conduct: hidden income, failure to contribute, secret debts or spending, transfers of assets, unexplained depletion of funds, misuse of joint accounts.
  • Safety or safeguarding concerns: any behaviour that raises concern for children’s safety or wellbeing – e.g. substance abuse, mental health crises, domestic violence.
  • Patterns over time: not just one off incidents but repeated behaviours which show a pattern so that a judge can see it isn’t just a single flare-up.
  • Impact: how behaviour affected children, your relationship with them, their emotional health, your own mental health, finances.
  • Dates, times, locations, witnesses: whenever possible. This increases credibility. Also, keep physical evidence: screenshots of messages, photos, medical records, school reports.

What isn’t usually helpful / what to avoid

  • Trivial or minor annoyances that don’t have repeated, harmful effects. The legal standard often requires things that are beyond everyday matrimonial friction. Summing up every minor irritation can dilute the more serious matters.
  • Speculation or uncorroborated hearsay: avoid “I think he meant this” or “someone said that” unless it can be supported. Emotional interpretation is okay (how you felt), but try to stick to observable facts.
  • Illegally obtained information: hacking into email or social media, accessing private data without permission, wiretaps etc. Such evidence may be excluded, or you may even face legal liability.
  • Over-emphasis on past behaviour long ago: if there have been no recent issues. Courts often give little weight to very old incidents unless they show a continuing pattern.

How to document: Best practices

  • Use a diary or log format: entries dated, timed, brief summary of behaviour, with a description of what was said/done, how it affected you/the children, location, and possible witnesses.
  • Keep physical evidence: texts, WhatsApps, emails, photos, videos, school reports, medical letters. Label these with date/time where possible.
  • Store securely (private folder, cloud backup, physical copies). If possible, keep multiple copies in case one is lost.
  • Write contemporaneously—not weeks later. The sooner after the event, the more credible the evidence will be.
  • Try to maintain impartiality: leave out hyperbole or exaggeration. Judges may discount things that seem overly emotional or exaggerated.
  • If behaviour escalates dangerously, or there is criminal conduct, record and report to police and/or social services.
  • Get legal advice early: before sharing sensitive evidence or making decisions about documenting your spouse’s behaviour, speak to a solicitor specialising in family law. They can advise what evidence will help and what could harm, and how to collect it lawfully.

How the information might be used, and by whom

  • Your own legal team will use it to prepare your case: for child arrangements, for financial negotiations, for any court hearing (private law children cases, family court).
  • Court / Judge: In family proceedings, you or the other party might give witness statements that rely on records. The judge can consider these pieces of evidence. If there’s a factual dispute (e.g. one parent says the other is neglectful; the other denies it), your records might help to tip the balance.
  • Children’s guardians / Cafcass: If there is a children dispute, Cafcass or other child welfare bodies will investigate welfare, home conditions, and parent behaviour. Your logs/evidence may be provided to them, and they may also interview children, parents, teachers etc.
  • Mediation / negotiation: Even before a court hearing, having records helps you negotiate from a position of information — you can show specifics rather than general claims, which may encourage settlement, better contact arrangements, or more money in a financial settlement if justified.

What are the risks of documenting a spouse’s behaviour?

  • Privacy / data protection / unlawful gathering: Secret recordings, hacking, snooping into private messages/email without permission — can lead to evidence being excluded, or legal liability.
  • Over-inflating or exaggerating: If entries are emotional, unrealistic, or show bias, the other side may accuse you of inventing or exaggerating for tactical advantage. This may reduce credibility.
  • Obsessiveness or maintaining records instead of resolving: Sometimes focusing on documentation can increase conflict, reduce goodwill, and make mediation or negotiation harder. The legal process prefers co-operation especially in children matters.
  • Possibility that behaviour doesn’t change outcomes: Even documented bad behaviour does not always change financial settlements or contact if it doesn’t meet the legal threshold.