The rise of technology has created new ways for conflict, manipulation, and abuse to continue after separation, with digital gaslighting and cyberbullying becoming increasingly relevant issues in divorce and family law proceedings.
The difficulty is that the abuse may not involve physical contact or obvious threats at all. Instead, it can happen quietly through phones, social media accounts, emails, online banking, shared devices, or digital records. The impact can nevertheless be serious, particularly when someone is already vulnerable due to the stress of separation.
What is digital gaslighting?
Digital gaslighting is a form of manipulation that involves a person attempting to make someone question their own memory, judgment, understanding, or perception of events by using digital information or communications.
In a relationship or divorce context, it may involve a spouse denying messages they have sent despite evidence showing otherwise, deleting conversations and claiming a discussion never happened, altering digital records, selectively sharing screenshots to create a misleading impression, or suggesting that the other person is imagining events that can be proven through digital evidence.
For example, a spouse may send a series of hostile messages during an argument and later delete their messages from a shared device, leaving only the other person’s responses visible. They may then accuse their former partner of being unreasonable or aggressive based on an incomplete version of the conversation.
Another example could involve someone repeatedly changing passwords to shared accounts and then insisting that access was never available, causing the other person to doubt their own recollection of previous arrangements.
The key feature of digital gaslighting is the deliberate attempt to distort reality, control information, or undermine another person’s confidence in their own understanding of events.
What is cyberbullying in divorce situations?
Cyberbullying generally involves repeated abusive, threatening, humiliating, or intimidating behaviour carried out through digital platforms. In the context of divorce, it may involve harassment through text messages, emails, social media, messaging applications, or other online platforms.
Examples include:
- Sending repeated abusive or threatening messages after separation
- Posting damaging or humiliating comments about an ex-partner online
- Contacting friends, family members or colleagues with allegations intended to embarrass or isolate someone
- Using social media to monitor, intimidate, or provoke a former spouse
- Creating fake accounts or impersonating someone online
- Sharing private information, photographs, or communications without consent
Cyberbullying and digital gaslighting often overlap, and a person may use cyberbullying tactics to intimidate someone while also attempting to manipulate their perception of events. For instance, a former spouse may send hundreds of hostile messages, later deny doing so, and accuse the recipient of exaggerating the situation.
Although the terms digital gaslighting and cyberbullying are widely used socially, the family courts do not make findings of digital gaslighting as a separate legal wrong. Instead, they examine the underlying conduct and consider whether it falls within recognised legal principles.
When can digital behaviour amount to domestic abuse?
The definition of domestic abuse includes conduct such as controlling or coercive behaviour, emotional or psychological abuse, harassment, intimidation, and threats. Digital behaviour may amount to domestic abuse where it forms part of a wider pattern of controlling, threatening or degrading conduct.
For example, a spouse repeatedly monitoring a partner’s location through a device without consent may be relevant evidence of controlling behaviour. Similarly, constantly demanding access to messages, checking social media accounts, controlling passwords or using technology to restrict someone’s independence may form part of a pattern of coercive control.
The courts will usually look at the behaviour as a whole rather than considering one isolated incident. A single unpleasant message may not necessarily amount to domestic abuse, but a sustained campaign of intimidation, surveillance, and manipulation may do.
How can digital abuse affect divorce proceedings?
The divorce process itself is based on the legal ending of the marriage rather than deciding who is to blame for the relationship breakdown. However, digital abuse may become relevant in other areas connected with divorce, particularly financial remedies and children matters.
In financial proceedings, abusive digital behaviour may be relevant where it demonstrates dishonesty, attempts to conceal assets, or efforts to manipulate financial information. For example, deleting financial records, changing online banking access, hiding cryptocurrency accounts, or altering digital documents may become important issues if there is a dispute about disclosure.
The family court expects both parties to provide full and frank financial disclosure. Attempts to hide or manipulate evidence can have serious consequences, including adverse findings against the person responsible.
Digital conduct may also become relevant where one spouse alleges the other has acted dishonestly or improperly during negotiations. Evidence such as emails, messages, or electronic records may help establish what was agreed or what information was provided.
How can digital abuse affect child arrangements?
When deciding child arrangements, the court’s primary consideration is the welfare of the child. The court will consider whether any behaviour by a parent creates a risk of harm to the child or affects their ability to provide safe and effective parenting.
Digital abuse between parents can become relevant where it affects communication, exposes children to conflict, or shows controlling behaviour. For example, a parent who uses children as messengers, sends them inappropriate information about the other parent online, or involves them in adult disputes may also raise welfare concerns.
Similarly, attempts to monitor the other parent through devices, social media accounts, or tracking technology may evidence ongoing controlling behaviour.
The court is unlikely to restrict contact simply because parents argue online. However, where digital conduct forms part of a wider pattern of intimidation, harassment or emotional harm, it may influence decisions about communication methods, handovers or the level of involvement each parent should have.
Practical steps if you believe you are experiencing digital abuse
If someone believes their devices or accounts are being monitored, they should consider whether their phone, computer, or online accounts are secure. Practical steps you can take include changing passwords, using two-factor authentication, checking account recovery information, reviewing connected devices, and updating security settings. It may also be sensible to use a separate email account for confidential communications.
People should also consider limiting unnecessary digital contact with an ex-partner. Where communication about children is required, using a parenting app or keeping messages factual and child-focused can help create a clear record.
Anyone experiencing digital abuse during or after separation should take steps to preserve evidence safely and protect their online security. Early advice can help prevent digital behaviour from escalating and ensure that relevant evidence is properly presented if court proceedings become necessary.