Divorce is difficult for everybody – even the person who applied in the first place. Even if you have fallen out of love with your spouse, ending the marriage still means months of disruption and the frequently exhausting reconstruction of your home and finances. Meanwhile, if you’re the one being divorced, you will face a difficult period of emotional adjustment on top of the turbulence and stress of reconfiguring your life.

Helping the children

In the emotional fallout of divorce and separation, children are the innocent bystanders. Even very young children may be acutely aware of tension and unhappiness in the home, and most will struggle to make sense of the unsettling ways in which their family is changing. It’s palpable and yet deeply confusing if you’re too young to understand.

Children draw their sense of security from their parents and will naturally look to them for answers. It’s your job as Mum or Dad to protect your children and make the separation as easy and stress-free as you can. Sadly, some parents become so caught up in their own dramas, they fail at this task.

Centre the child’s welfare as your number one consideration

Under the Children Act 1989, the court must always place your child’s welfare as the foremost priority—this is known as the welfare principle. Section 1(3) includes a checklist: the child’s wishes and feelings (in light of age and understanding), emotional, educational, and physical needs, likely effect of change, harm suffered or risked, and each parent’s ability to meet those needs.

Your watchwords should be:

  • Communication
  • Reassurance

All but the oldest and most emotionally aware youngsters will have little understanding of the problems that have driven their parents apart: all they will know is that parents they loved are no longer everyday figures in their lives. Their home, their centre of their world, has come apart. The reassuring duopoly of Mum and Dad is no more.

Explain what is happening in an age-appropriate way. This will help your children to manage their own emotions and anxieties about the situation. In the absence of clarity, children often turn to their vivid imaginations to interpret the behaviour of their divorcing parents. Many youngsters worry that the separation is somehow their fault – that they caused it, somehow, by not being good enough. Others will worry about their new living arrangements, or about when and where they will see the parent who has moved out. Does that parent even still love them?

What you can do:

  • Frame all proposals around your child’s routine and emotional stability
  • Emphasise continuity—school, extracurriculars, close family links—and how proposed arrangements minimise upheaval
  • When legal advice is sought, ask your solicitor to use wording and structure that aligns with the welfare checklist

Developing a detailed, child‑centred parenting plan

A parenting plan lets both parents agree on weekly contact schedules, responsibilities, extracurricular logistics, holidays, and rules for electronic communication.

  • Include contingency plans: What if one parent is late or contact is cancelled?
  • Avoid using children as messengers or middle‑people—explicitly state this in the plan.
  • Agree not to undermine the other parent in front of your child, and keep negative comments out of earshot.

Use mediation to reach agreements outside court

Family mediation is a voluntary, impartial process that helps parents settle child arrangements and other issues without litigation.

Key advantages include:

  • If you attend a MIAM (Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting), this often fulfils pre‑court requirements and avoids court delays or extra hearings.
  • Mediation can be quicker, cheaper, and less adversarial, reducing emotional strain on children.
  • It’s more flexible: decisions can be tailored to your family’s needs rather than imposed by a judge.

Minimise children’s exposure to conflict

High‑conflict divorce has documented negative effects on children’s mental health. Family law guidance strongly emphasises shielding children from parental disputes.

Practical steps:

  • Schedule difficult discussions away from children; don’t argue in their presence.
  • Use communication tools or parenting apps designed to keep exchanges neutral.
  • Agree boundaries: for instance, no negative comments about the other parent—even indirectly—during handovers or around children.

Shared residency, where a child lives part‑time with each parent, has been associated with better health, wellbeing, and fewer behavioural issues compared to the child living with only one of their parents.

Factors to consider include:

  • Court approval is often contingent on stability, suitability of both homes, and parents’ ability to cooperate. If domestic abuse was present during the relationship, or one party was controlled by the other, the court is less likely to make an order for shared care.
  • Even if not equal time, consistent involvement by both parents is encouraged in CAOs – when in the child’s best interest.
  • If one parent obstructs contact, the courts may intervene with specific orders or even supervised contact provisions.

Safeguarding emotional well‑being with professional support

Children may experience anxiety, guilt, or confusion during a divorce, but emotional resilience can be fostered through reassurance, routine, and external support. Various support options are available to help children navigate this difficult period. Organisations like Childline and the NSPCC offer counselling services and helplines specifically tailored for children in distress.

It can also be helpful to inform the child’s school, enabling staff to monitor any behavioural changes and provide additional safeguarding where needed. Additionally, professional therapists or dedicated support groups for children of separated parents can provide a safe and structured environment for children to express and process their emotions.

Secure financial stability through maintenance planning

Securing financial stability through proper maintenance planning is a vital part of protecting your child during a divorce. Under UK law, child maintenance—distinct from the division of matrimonial assets—must be arranged either through a private agreement, the Child Maintenance Service (CMS), or a legally binding Consent Order, although the last option, in the majority of cases,  is rarely used.

You may decide to use the CMS online calculator which helps parents estimate appropriate payment levels based on factors such as income and shared care arrangements.

However, it is important to be aware that the government is introducing major reforms to the CMS, set to take effect in the financial year 2027–28. One of the central changes is the abolition of the “Direct Pay” system, where parents currently transfer money between themselves without CMS involvement. This system will be replaced with a streamlined, single statutory service based on the existing “Collect and Pay” model. Going forward, parents will either be encouraged to establish private, family-based arrangements (with support) or be placed under the Collect and Pay system.

The reformed service will include a revised fee structure. Currently, Direct Pay users pay no fee, while Collect and Pay users are charged 4% if they are the receiving parent and 20% if they are the paying parent. Under the new model, compliant users of the service will be charged a flat 2% fee on both sides—paying and receiving. For those who are non-compliant, the 20% surcharge for paying parents will remain as a deterrent for missed or late payments.

Another major improvement aims at reducing the time it takes to enforce missed payments. At present, enforcement can take up to six months, but the government plans to cut this to around six weeks to ensure faster, more efficient compliance. These reforms are designed not only to streamline payment systems but also to reduce child poverty. The Department for Work and Pensions estimates that around 20,000 fewer children will live in relative poverty (after housing costs) if the changes are successful.

The reforms follow a consultation that concluded in July 2025, with the government publishing its response in June 2025. By replacing the dual-option model with a single, more efficient statutory service and introducing faster enforcement alongside fairer fees, the government aims to increase regular, reliable child maintenance payments, improving financial stability for many separated families across the UK.

With these changes in mind, where possible, parents should agree on a family-based arrangement. Although if either parent’s financial situation changes, you may decide to use the CMS to review and adjust the amount as this can prevent disputes and maintain consistency, avoiding reliance on informal or inconsistent arrangements.

In high‑conflict or safeguarding cases, take immediate legal steps

If child safety is at risk (domestic abuse, neglect), you can make an application to court under Section 8 or Part IV of the Children Act:

  • Prohibited Steps Order to restrict a parent’s decision-making (e.g. removal from country).
  • Specific Issue Order for decisions such as schooling, religion, medical care.
  • In extreme cases, the local authority may apply for care or supervision orders, or courts may order guardian appointments and assessments by Cafcass.

Engage a specialist solicitor early

A skilled family law solicitor helps navigate legal forms, court deadlines, and strategy. They can assist with:

  • Drafting Witness Statements focused on child welfare
  • Liaising with Cafcass
  • Drafting and securing Consent Orders
  • Advising on mediation, court strategy, or emergency legal action if needed

Offering reassurance

Make sure your children understand that the separation is nothing to do with them, and that yes, they will still get to spend plenty of time with that the other parent, even if no longer every day.  It is important that they fully understand – especially if young – that the parent who has moved out is still their father or mother and will still be part of their lives.

Routines are an important part of this reassurance. Serve meals at the usual time, help your kids off to school at the time they’ve always gone, let your kids see their friends as usual and enjoy their regular pursuits. Let them feel safe and secure in the knowledge that their pre-divorce lives will continue in many ways, even as other aspects of their lives change.

If you are still on relatively good terms with your estranged spouse, you might want to sit down and discuss the situation with your children together. But if that isn’t possible, the same clear messages can be conveyed separately. It is better to both agree on the approach you plan to take, so try to discuss this with your ex beforehand if you possibly can: a unified, consistent message will help console upset children and give them confidence in the future.