When separated or divorced parents try to co-parent, the child’s routine and extracurricular activities should serve as a shared foundation for stability and growth. However, in some unfortunate situations, one parent may manipulate this routine — citing swimming lessons, tutoring, birthday parties, or holidays — as a reason to deny or disrupt the other parent’s contact with the child.

In England and Wales, the law prioritises the child’s welfare, but it also recognises the importance of maintaining a meaningful relationship with both parents. This article will explore how routines can be misused, what is and isn’t acceptable, and what you can do about it.

How a child’s routine can be used to deny contact

Many activities form part of a child’s daily or weekly schedule. While routines such as school attendance and health appointments are non-negotiable, others — such as dance classes, football training, or social events — may be more flexible. Unfortunately, some parents exploit these activities to interfere with contact, for example:

  • Booking lessons or classes during the other parent’s contact time
  • Scheduling birthday parties or playdates on contact days without consultation
  • Enrolling the child in term-time clubs or holiday camps without the other parent’s agreement
  • Claiming the child needs rest or routine stability to avoid visits
  • Creating travel plans or family gatherings that deliberately coincide with agreed contact times

While these activities may seem minor in isolation, when used consistently, they can significantly reduce or disrupt a parent’s relationship with their child.

Is this allowed under family law?

Under family law, both parents have parental responsibility if they were married at the time of the child’s birth or if the father is on the birth certificate (post-2003 in England and Wales). Parental Responsibility includes the right to be involved in decisions about a child’s education, health, and welfare — including their routine and activities.

The Children Act 1989 places the child’s welfare as the paramount concern, but it also explicitly recognises the importance of a child maintaining a relationship with both parents — unless this would put the child at risk of harm.

If a parent unilaterally alters the child’s schedule to interfere with court-ordered or agreed contact arrangements, this could be considered a breach. Courts do not look kindly on this, especially when it appears to be part of a pattern of alienation or obstruction.

What can you do if this happens?

There are several routes you can take if your ex is using routines or activities to deny you contact:

  • Keep detailed records: start by keeping a log of every time contact has been denied or disrupted because of an activity. Note:
    • The date and nature of the planned contact
    • The reason given for the cancellation or delay
    • Any evidence of lack of consultation or notice
    • Whether the activity could have been scheduled at another time

This evidence will be vital if you need to return to court.

  • Communicate in writing: try to resolve the issue amicably first. Email or text your ex requesting that contact times be respected and that any changes be discussed in advance. Make it clear that you are happy for the child to engage in enriching activities, but not at the expense of contact — unless mutually agreed.

Polite, written communication can show that you are acting reasonably.

  • Mediation: if communication fails, consider mediation. Mediation is a legal requirement (except in urgent or high-risk cases) before applying to court. A neutral mediator can help both parents discuss and potentially revise the child’s schedule in a way that ensures fair and consistent contact.
  • Apply for a Child Arrangements Order: if your ex continues to misuse the child’s routine to deny contact, you can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO) under section 8 of the Children Act 1989.

This order can:

  • Specify exact times and dates for contact
  • Include provisions that one parent cannot unilaterally enrol the child in activities during the other’s contact time
  • Define holiday arrangements clearly

If you already have a CAO and your ex is breaching it, you can apply to enforce the order. The court can issue warnings, fines, unpaid work orders, and in serious cases, even consider a change of residency.

What should be included in agreements to prevent this behaviour?

To prevent abuse of routine-based excuses, it is important that any parenting plan, CAO, or private agreement includes clear terms such as:

  • Set contact times and days: Including during school terms and holidays.
  • Provisions about extracurricular activities: Specify that new activities must be agreed upon by both parents, especially if they interfere with contact time.
  • Notification clause: Requires a minimum notice period for changes to the child’s schedule.
  • Holiday arrangements: Define how school holidays and half-terms are to be split, with guidelines on travel and plans that might override routine.
  • Dispute resolution clause: Outline what steps to take if there’s a disagreement (e.g., mediation before legal action).

This kind of clarity removes ambiguity and gives you legal recourse if your ex fails to comply.

When is it acceptable to delay or deny contact because of activities?

There are legitimate reasons a child’s routine might necessitate a change in contact:

  • A one-off school performance or sports competition
  • A medical appointment that cannot be rescheduled
  • Special family events such as weddings or funerals
  • The child is ill or genuinely tired after a full day of activity

Even then, reasonable notice should be given, and the missed contact should ideally be made up at a later time.

The court understands that children lead busy lives, and flexibility is often necessary. However, what’s important is that both parents are involved in decision-making and that contact is not sacrificed unnecessarily or used as a weapon.

What are the implications for a repeat-offending parent?

A parent who persistently blocks or disrupts contact may face serious legal consequences, particularly if there is a court order in place. The family courts take breaches seriously and can:

  • Vary the existing Child Arrangements Order to reduce the offending parent’s control
  • Enforce the order using sanctions such as community service (unpaid work requirements)
  • Order the offending parent to attend a Separated Parents Information Programme (SPIP)
  • In extreme cases, transfer residency of the child to the other parent if the court finds that one parent is undermining the relationship with the other

The court’s goal is always to protect the child’s best interests — and having a strong, loving bond with both parents is almost always in that interest.

Using a child’s routine to obstruct contact is rarely justifiable. While children benefit from structured routines and enriching activities, this should not come at the expense of their relationship with a parent.